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Things I Wish Someone Told Me Before I Got ‘Knocked Up’

So I’ve been doing this “momming” thing for about 7 years 3 months and 24 days, but who’s counting??? As awesome as its been so far, it has come with it’s challenges. So I’ve compiled a list of things I wish I learned before I became a mom and hopefully they will dete…… I mean guide you on what you should know before you become a mom. 

  1. No one warned me that my breast could possibly suffocate my kid after she was born due to the amount of milk I was producing. That would have been great to know seeing as I hadn’t purchased bigger bras and ended up popping the wires to all of the ones I did have while damn near killing her in the process.
  2. When you stop breast feeding, it hurts like hell!
  3. Babies get gassy as hell! Holy fuck shit! There were nights my kid kept me up because the gas pain was so bad, that her only resort was to keep me up with her. She didn’t care if I had to be up early for work. I mean, why would she?
  4. Your “morning routine” will probably take double the amount of time it took before you had your kid.   IMG_2150
  5. Daycare for an infant can damn near equal out to a monthly mortgage payment. obamathrowingmoney
  6. The bigger they get, the more diapers cost AND less come in a package.
  7. Projectile shitting and vomit. I’ve caught it a few times.
  8. Buy a damn diaper genie because: Diaper Genies are life. Also, if you don’t buy one and think it’s ok to put it in your regular trash bin, your house will smell like horse shit. IMG_2151
  9. Don’t underestimate your kid. They will ear hustle your entire conversation even if you think they are engaged in their video game or whatever device they are playing with.
  10. They will only want to engage in activities they find interesting not what you want them to do.
  11. No matter how prepared you think you are, you are NEVER 100% prepared
  12. Your kid will fearlessly climb up on shit in search of having a good time.IMG_2149 or sit a on random things instead of a chair. IMG_2148
  13. They don’t need a bunch of toys to be entertained. Paper bags will do.IMG_2147
  14. There is a chance that your kid will take your shoes and walk around in them. IMG_2146
  15. At some point, they’ll think they’re too cool for you so cherish every moment with them.

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